Violence

As of late I've felt kind of confused. I'm usually always confused, but things have been weird.

I haven't been on birth control for about three months and my sex drive has been awful and crazy for weeks. I haven't had an actual sex drive in years. It's conflicting because I'm used to being dormant and in control. I'm used to getting sex whenever I wanted it, getting whatever I want done to me. I'm used to being dangerous and meeting strangers off the internet consistently, with very little known about these people, except for a safe that may, or may not be used.

Back in January I stopped doing this. The fuck buddies were unsatisfactory, I felt lost because my desires were so extreme that finding anyone to full fill them would be nearly impossible. Sex was boring, and it is usually always boring. But I go between extremes which is hard. Too much sex, too much sexually stuff going on tends to numb me out, and I get used to it, bored. Now that I have to ask permission to do anything, but sex drive is higher than normal. I can't be touched without being converted in a pile of girl goo. But it can't be romantic, it can't be passionate. It has to be forced, dangerous. Sometimes I really wonder if my sexual desires could be a real danger to myself. I mean, I'm into some not normal things. I don't want the ability to say no, or to stop from someone from hurting me. I've been assaulted before, even raped. I know how it feels and it doesn't feel right. But I can't control how I feel during these situations, sometimes that scares me, most of the time it doesn't.

I've left dominants because I've been bored. I've broken up with girlfriends and boyfriends - because I've been bored. This violence fetish has a good grip me on me. It's something I shouldn't be obsessing over, but I do. I love it so much I can't live without it.

In fact I'm fairly certain I love my fetishes more than I love actual people. It's such a strong part of me, I'll never let it go. I'm actually pretty sure it's going to be the death of me.