I always thought I was stronger than I thought. But most days I tend to prove myself wrong.
Things have been on a steady decline, though my moods are more stable and I'm no longer suicidal.
One thing that scares me is that I'm unable to handle any kind of emotional pain. I can't handle being replaced, or abandonment. I have extremely mild jealously issues, they aren't bad at all. But when you aren't played with hardly at all, why should someone else get any attention? I'm fairly certain I'm always only temporary, there are always crazier, prettier, skinnier girls. I don't know why anyone wants me most of the time. I don't want special attention, I have never wanted it, I also don't want it out of pitty. If I could just be treated normally, that'd be fucking fine. But being in a D/s relationship is hard sometimes, they're erotic, intense, passionate, whatever. And my current situation makes it kind interesting because I'm in a D/s with a couple. They have their issues, and they're reflected on to me. They are also all I currently have.
I tried going on a date as of a late, which ended with some dude trying to stick his tongue down my throat. He brought zero interest to the table. In fact, I give zero fucks to anyone interested in me. If this relationship ends, I'm quitting the scene, and probably dating for a very long time. Actually, I kind of just want everyone to leave me alone. Even those close to me.
I know I'm doing this to protect myself, because I'm extremely vulnerable at this point in my life. I know I will be replaced, I know I will lose my sense of security. Nothing is permanent, it doesn't matter what is done or said. I will probably always be alone.
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