Sugar and Spice, Plus Everything Nice

I have some decent energy today, which means I'm baking cupcakes from scratch and cleaning most of the kitchen. My episodes haven't been lasting very long, but when I'm down, I'm severely depressed for all in all about twenty minutes to an hour. I'm not on any medications, so it could just be some lasting manic symptoms from my old medication. I really wish though I could have my Adderall back, so I can focus a little better, and eat less. That would be really nice if I could stop shoving food in my face hole again.

Lately my hormones have been on and off. And honestly one thing I really want to do is suck some major dick. But that's just me, I like giving head because its a mindless activity. It doesn't matter if it's an actual face-fucking, or I'm doing all the work, it's fun. But I haven't been able to do it much lately, and my jaw gets sore easily now and I can't throat very far without gagging up something awful. Honestly, if I had a submissive I would probably make them face-fuck a dildo every night for like a half hour, which will help open up the throat, suppress the gag reflex, and make my jaw last a little longer. It's little things like that I like, wearing plugs for so long every day, masturbating without getting off, etc. I know I like to say that I don't like being micromanaged, but it's the only thing that usually works for me. I don't know of anyone with time and energy to do that, so I try to rely on other means. Jesus, just tell me what the fuck to do and I'll usually do it, but I don't always just do anything. Dominance sometimes has to be established, training has to be done, it's not like a perfect submissive comes out of nowhere.

Of course, I've been pretty terrible lately. I haven't able to focus on it lately because of the depression lately. So I screwed up, it's no one's fault on that. Sometimes I just wish I had another chance to kind of prove myself again. But we'll see I suppose, things have been getting mildly better, so maybe things will change. Maybe.

Exacto Blades are My Best Friends

I always thought I was stronger than I thought. But most days I tend to prove myself wrong.

Things have been on a steady decline, though my moods are more stable and I'm no longer suicidal.

One thing that scares me is that I'm unable to handle any kind of emotional pain. I can't handle being replaced, or abandonment. I have extremely mild jealously issues, they aren't bad at all. But when you aren't played with hardly at all, why should someone else get any attention? I'm fairly certain I'm always only temporary, there are always crazier, prettier, skinnier girls. I don't know why anyone wants me most of the time. I don't want special attention, I have never wanted it, I also don't want it out of pitty. If I could just be treated normally, that'd be fucking fine. But being in a D/s relationship is hard sometimes, they're erotic, intense, passionate, whatever. And my current situation makes it kind interesting because I'm in a D/s with a couple. They have their issues, and they're reflected on to me. They are also all I currently have.

I tried going on a date as of a late, which ended with some dude trying to stick his tongue down my throat. He brought zero interest to the table. In fact, I give zero fucks to anyone interested in me. If this relationship ends, I'm quitting the scene, and probably dating for a very long time. Actually, I kind of just want everyone to leave me alone. Even those close to me.

I know I'm doing this to protect myself, because I'm extremely vulnerable at this point in my life. I know I will be replaced, I know I will lose my sense of security. Nothing is permanent, it doesn't matter what is done or said. I will probably always be alone.

Violence

As of late I've felt kind of confused. I'm usually always confused, but things have been weird.

I haven't been on birth control for about three months and my sex drive has been awful and crazy for weeks. I haven't had an actual sex drive in years. It's conflicting because I'm used to being dormant and in control. I'm used to getting sex whenever I wanted it, getting whatever I want done to me. I'm used to being dangerous and meeting strangers off the internet consistently, with very little known about these people, except for a safe that may, or may not be used.

Back in January I stopped doing this. The fuck buddies were unsatisfactory, I felt lost because my desires were so extreme that finding anyone to full fill them would be nearly impossible. Sex was boring, and it is usually always boring. But I go between extremes which is hard. Too much sex, too much sexually stuff going on tends to numb me out, and I get used to it, bored. Now that I have to ask permission to do anything, but sex drive is higher than normal. I can't be touched without being converted in a pile of girl goo. But it can't be romantic, it can't be passionate. It has to be forced, dangerous. Sometimes I really wonder if my sexual desires could be a real danger to myself. I mean, I'm into some not normal things. I don't want the ability to say no, or to stop from someone from hurting me. I've been assaulted before, even raped. I know how it feels and it doesn't feel right. But I can't control how I feel during these situations, sometimes that scares me, most of the time it doesn't.

I've left dominants because I've been bored. I've broken up with girlfriends and boyfriends - because I've been bored. This violence fetish has a good grip me on me. It's something I shouldn't be obsessing over, but I do. I love it so much I can't live without it.

In fact I'm fairly certain I love my fetishes more than I love actual people. It's such a strong part of me, I'll never let it go. I'm actually pretty sure it's going to be the death of me.

I'm pretty high on Adderall and I don't really give a flying fuck anymore.

It's been a while since I've taken it and I can feel kind of weird and jittery.

I need it to focus, concentrate, to not suck in school. Because I don't function without it. I sit in class staring at a piece of paper, unable to even really process what's going on. Usually when I'm on it I'm able to get shit done. Now, not so much. I can't get myself to really email my professors to tell them what's going on, or get my classes for next semester figured out. I really just don't care anymore, which isn't really good.

Nothing going through my head is really good.

I don't know anymore, I just want to be alone and get my shit figured out. But that's not going to happen anytime soon.